On Interactions with People

     Our third group of campers has left, and our fourth group is already here. I started engaging more with the campers from the last group. We went on a hike up Seneca Rocks in West Virginia. Once on top of the peak, we sang worship songs and marveled at the power, creativity, and beauty of our Lord. (I will try to upload some pictures and maybe a video later.)

     While we were eating lunch at the park there, one of the girls from the group approached me and started up a conversation. Talking with her made me realize that I'm not just here to volunteer in a kitchen for the summer, but that I am privileged with the task of aiding the Lord's work in the hearts of every person who walks through the doors of our Lodge. I also realized that in order to do that, I have to offer more of myself than just a smile in the lunch line; I have to be intentional about seeking out opportunities to connect with the campers. If I hope for them to be vulnerable with the Lord and with me, then I too must be vulnerable with them.

      After a girls' day, we had a Bible study in which one special woman shared her testimony. She had been quiet and somewhat reserved throughout the week, and had at first been unwilling to share because she didn't like talking to groups. The Lord impressed upon her that she should, however, so she submitted. God used that to speak to many of the girls, including me. I was reading Philippians 1 again recently. In verses 12-20, Paul is saying that if being in prison (experiencing trials) would ultimately benefit those around him spiritually, then he is glad to endure it for the greater progress of the gospel. Some of the struggles the woman had shared about I had similar experiences with, so while girls were waiting to talk to her about their lives, I decided to try to talk to one particular girl. She was unwilling at first, but as I started sharing things in my life, she began to open up to me. We found we have a lot in common, starting with our name and going from there. That conversation ended up lasting for about an hour and a half, and I am very grateful for it.

     One thing I keep praying is that God would help me to see people as people. That probably sounds a little silly. I forget that others have struggles, doubts, insecurities, and feelings just like I do. I always assume that I am the only one who is broken, that everyone else has it together. But if that were true, then Jesus would not have had to die. Truth is, no one has it together, and everyone needs to be loved and shown grace. But I forget. I want to see people as Christ sees them. I want to love as Christ would. And I have to give of myself in order to do that. Because every single person has been purchased with the most valuable currency; the blood of Christ. They are precious to Him, and they should be to me, too.

Thanks for reading,
~Sarah

Being Broken Before the Lord

     I know it's been more than a week since my last post, but things have been pretty busy around here. Two groups of campers have already come and gone, and a third group is just starting their time here. I've been working in the kitchen a lot, which is enjoyable for the most part. I've also become an expert at weed trimming and push mowing, and I have worked for a few hours on both a turkey farm and a strawberry farm. During breaks, I got to play some games with the groups, including Mafia, ultimate frisbee, volleyball, and ultimate musical chairs.

     I've been having a few panic attacks these past couple of weeks, and while they're awful and exhausting, I have learned much through them. They always leave me feeling broken in the sense that I don't work right; that I don't function as I should. I hate being broken. Sometimes they're so bad that I have to take half or even a whole day off, and I hate not being able to keep up with everyone else. I talked with a friend about it one evening, and she encouraged me to read Isaiah 61 and 62. Those two chapters talk about how God is near to the brokenhearted, and He redeems that which is lost and desolate. That's something that He delights in doing. He is a Savior, a Healer, and a Lover; so I should let Him save me, heal me, and love me. But I have to first be broken in order to be fixed.

     I've always been afraid that I'm too broken for someone to handle; that in my weakness, I am too needy. But, "His grace is sufficient for me, and His power is made perfect in my weakness." While I was thinking about this verse, a song came to mind. ("Always Enough," by Casting Crowns)

          "Your love is peace to the broken,
            Faith for the widow
            Hope for the orphan,
            Strength for the weak
            Your love is the anthem of nations
            Rings out through the ages
           And You're always enough for me."
           
     I thought a lot about the last line. If God is always enough for me, then that means that I am never too much for Him. Here are some other verses I found comforting.

"For You will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;You will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise." --Psalm 51:16-17

"Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but He gives grace to the humble.Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." --1 Peter 5:5-7

"This I know, that God is for me. In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid, for what can man do to me? Your vows are binding upon me, O God; I will render thank offerings to You. For You have delivered my soul from death, and my feet from stumbling, so that I may walk before You in the light of life." --Psalm 57:9-13

     I just found a song yesterday after having a mini breakdown that has been encouraging to me. It's called "Sparrows," and it's by Jason Gray. I'll end this post with the lyrics.

          "You can't add a single day by worrying
           You'll worry your life away
           Oh don't worry your life away
          You can't change a single thing by freaking out
           It's just gonna close you in
           Oh don't let the trouble win

           You may feel alone
           But you're not on your own

          (Chorus)

          If He can hold the world He can hold this moment
          Not a field or flower escapes His notice
          Oh even the sparrow
          Knows He holds tomorrow

           

          Lean in and it's hard to miss
          Everything can change
          When you make it His
          Oh He wants to carry it
          Carefree in the care of God
          When you let it go
          You'll find that He's enough
         Oh you never leave His love

          You don't walk alone

           (Chorus)

         There's not a single star that's out of place
         There's nothing broken He can't remake
         If you long for hope when you're afraid
         Oh look at the sparrow
         Look at the sparrow

         (Chorus)

Thanks for reading,

~Sarah

    I've completed a week at YDI Head Waters, though it seems more like I've been here for three. My days are a whole lot longer and fuller than they were in Florida. This week was spent training and preparing the camp for our first group of kids, who will arrive on Tuesday afternoon. For part of our training, we learned how to use and instruct in the use of high and low ropes courses, which included a rock wall, two ziplines, tightropes, a plunge off of a platform 40 feet off the ground, and several other things. We also went over basic camp policies and roles. Our motto here is "Blessed are the flexible." In preparation for the campers, we cleaned the lodge where they'll be staying, built some bunk beds and picnic tables, mowed and trimmed the grass, and washed all of the linens.

     In the middle of this week, I received word that a friend of mine had been murdered by her ex husband. Chores still had to be done, so I was forced to depend on the Lord to help me deal with all the emotions that come with news like that. I discovered Lamentations 3.

     "This I call to mind, therefore I have hope; the Lord's love and mercy indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. (Verses 21-23)
     The Lord will not reject forever, for if He causes grief, then He will have compassion according to His abundant love and mercy. For He does not afflict willingly or grieve the sons of men. (Verses 31-33)
     Who is there who speaks and it comes to pass, unless the Lord has commanded it? Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both good and ill go forth? Why should any living mortal, or any man, offer complaint in view of his sins? Let us examine and probe our ways, and let us return to the Lord." (Verses 37-40)

     I found great comfort in these verses, knowing that God is faithful, loving, and merciful, while I in comparison am not. Why should I offer complaint to Him who is good? But still I can come to Him and find rest and solace in Him. My heart is still grieved over the incident, and I wish I could hug her siblings. Many people online have suggested punishments for the man who killed my friend. I have realized that I don't need to have an opinion, and that I don't need to speculate about why or how or anything else. I do need to pray that the man will repent and come to know Jesus. My friend is safe with Him now, and her daughter will be raised in the faith by her remaining family. But this man is the one who will face ultimate judgment if he does not come to Christ, and He does not will that ANY should perish. Not even this man.

     Another major challenge for me this week has been meeting and working with new people. There were things to do from day one, so we jumped right in as a team to make sure everything got done. This forced us to get to know and trust each other right away. All relationships are hard for me, and I have to work to get along with people. In a group like the staff here, we have to be united. We can't let things like attitudes, impatience, or differing personalities get in the way. Sometimes people do rub me the wrong way, and I have to choose in that moment to take offense or not. Sometimes I do get offended, and I know God is displeased. When I start to get frustrated, I try to stop and consider a few things; is what I'm getting upset about really a significant issue? Am I biased in how I am perceiving this person (have I made judgments about their intent without being sure)? Is my attitude really the one that is wrong?

Even once these questions are answered, whether I am justified or not, I pray and ask that God would remove the negative feelings from my heart, and replace them with love, patience, and understanding. It's hard. But it's what He has called me to do. "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." --Romans 12:18

That's my week in a nutshell. Thanks for reading,
~Sarah

Waiting on the Lord

Hi Everyone,

While I'm in Virginia at Head Waters Lodge, I'll try to post weekly updates on this blog.

First I want to thank my church family at Calvary Chapel Palm City for helping me to get here. I'm glad that God brought me there five years ago. It's the longest I've ever been in one church, and I am thankful to have a place where I can take root and grow stronger in my walk with Christ. I want to thank you for supporting me both financially and morally in my desire to seek the Lord and to continue to grow in His ways.

While I was driving up here, a song came on the radio that I haven't heard in years. It's called "While I'm Waiting", by John Waller. I think it sums up my summer. Here are some of the lyrics, including the chorus.

"I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord
Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait
 

And I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting, I will serve You
While I'm waiting, I will worship
While I'm waiting, I will not faint
I'll be running the race even while I wait."

I view this summer as a chance for me to step back from the chaos of life and to wait on the Lord and see where He wants to take me next, both spiritually and physically. While I'm waiting on Him, though, I will continue to serve Him and to worship Him. I want to continue to run the race He has set before me even while I'm in a transitional stage in life. 

"Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." --Romans 12:1-2 

These verses sum up my aim this summer; to learn to live in a way that is pleasing and acceptable to God, to serve Him, and to have my mind renewed so that I may be transformed and can discern the will of God. 

I'm so excited to see what the Lord will do in and through me this summer, and I'll try to keep everyone posted with how things are going and what I am learning. Thanks for reading,

~Sarah

Psalm 77:1-2,6-15

"I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and He will hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. I said, “Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart.” Then my spirit made a diligent search: “Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has His steadfast love forever ceased? Are His promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has He in anger shut up His compassion?” Selah.
And I said, “It is my grief that the right hand of the Most High has changed.” I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember Your wonders of old. I will ponder all Your work, and meditate on Your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; You have made known Your might among the peoples. You with Your arm redeemed Your people, the children of Jacob and Joseph. Selah."

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

"O soul, are you weary and troubled? No light in the darkness you see? There’s a light for a look at the Savior, and life more abundant and free! Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace. ...His Word shall not fail you—He promised; believe Him, and all will be well: then go to a world that is dying, His perfect salvation to tell!"

--Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus, by Helen Lemmel.

It is Well with My Soul

Just wanted to share this hymn with all of you. This is my refrain as I go through these trials God has seen fit to bring me through.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,
It is well, it is well with my soul. 

It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
A song in the night, oh my soul!.

It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
 

“If God has shown us bad times ahead, it's enough for me that He knows about them. That's why He sometimes shows us things, you know -- to tell us that this too is in His hands.”
― Corrie ten Boom, The Hiding Place

"Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him." --Job 13:15.

At the moment, life is a little rough and crazy, and the future very uncertain. But God is working all things for good, and my faith in Him shall not be shaken.

Thoughts on How to Respond to People

"And while He was being accused by the chief priests and elders, He did not answer. Then Pilate said to Him, 'Do You not hear how many things they testify against You?' And He did not answer him with regard to even a single charge, so the governor was quite amazed." --Matthew 27:12-14

In our culture, we are taught to not let anyone put us down; we're taught to stand up for ourselves. Jesus didn't. He was "meek and lowly of heart," and we are to learn from Him (Matthew 11:29). Can I still my tongue when people don't tell me what I want to hear? If they accuse me falsely, or if they gossip about me, can I keep from retaliating? If I do answer them, I may only make myself worse or more guilty in their eyes. 

King David's response was, "You have seen it, O Lord, do not keep silent. O Lord, do not be far from me. Stir up Yourself, and awake to my right and to my cause, my God and my Lord. Judge me, O Lord my God, according to Your righteousness, and do not let them rejoice over me." --Psalm 35:22-24

He trusted God. He allowed God to bring the truth to light, and asked God to be his judge. I want that to be my response in life, because things are bound to come up. What matters most is not what is said of me, but of my response to it.

Dear Life,

It's okay with me if you settle down now. I have enough trials to learn from at the moment.

Sincerely,
~Me.

I know I haven't been posting, but things have just been overwhelming lately. Just trying to trust and seek God through it all. "You need not fight in this battle; station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.’ Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out to face them, for the Lord is with you.” --2 Chronicles 20:17

  And that's all, folks.

He Knows my Name

These past two weeks have been kind of crazy. I've been feeling like a certain person whom I love dearly has a low view of my capabilities and that she has been critical of what I say and do; nothing is good enough for her.

Tonight it occurred to me that maybe I just have an inflated view of myself, and her corrections have bothered me because I don't think I'm that bad. Oh, the flesh is so vain and self-deceiving!

I discovered a song tonight that I really like; it's not the sort I'm usually into. It's called "He Knows My Name", by Francesca Battistelli. Here is the chorus of the song:

"True to who You are,
You saw my heart
and made
something out of nothing.

I don't need my name in lights;
I'm famous in my Father's eyes.
Make no mistake,
He knows my name.
I'm not living for applause;
I'm already so adored.
It's all His stage,
He knows my name."

In the first stanza, I love how it points to God's character. He is the one who takes nothing (me) and makes something that can bring Him glory. I can't change or better myself; only He can.

The second stanza makes me realize that I don't need to be thought highly of, because in reality, I CAN'T do anything by myself. My capabilities really aren't that great; my friend is actually overestimating them. I should not be injured by her expectations of me. I should not strive to be praised by her, or anyone else. He knows my name, and that should be enough honor for me.

I Looked in His Eyes

Burdened with guilt and failure,
I hung my head with shame.
He stood before me,
the judge of all my crimes.

I knew I was at fault;
there was no hope for me.
I cringed, expecting the just words
of condemnation.

He touched His hand
to my cheek and
lifted my chin so
I could gaze at Him.

I looked in His eyes,
and my shame and fear
melted away, lost in the depths
of the eyes of Love Himself.

His smile lit up the room
and my heart as well.
He gathered me in His arms,
and whispered these words to me.

"Well done, my faithful one.
Fear nothing, my daughter."
I knew all was well
when I looked in His eyes.

How Deep the Father's Love

"What man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!" --Matthew 7:9-11

My father doesn't quite fit this verse; he doesn't know how to give good gifts to his children. He will buy things for us that he thinks we'll like-- without knowing what we do like-- but he never gives us the gifts that we REALLY want; his affection, attention, and approval. His eyes do not look on us with love, but with scorn. 

It is very hard to love a man like that. It's been hard to think of God as a loving Father, because I have no model for that. In my experience, a father is someone to be feared and avoided. A father is someone you try to speak to as little as possible for fear of enraging him. 

I read a blog post recently about a child in the foster system (you can read it here). There was one part in particular that caught my attention

"And he wants to impress them, these strangers. He wants to win them over, and so he brings his good report card along as tangible proof that he is a child worth loving.
A child should never have to prove they are worth loving."

I've felt that way. It's really quite terrible. There's so much hope that is overshadowed by the fear of rejection. You have to wonder, "If my parents couldn't love me, how could anyone else possibly do so?" We were created by God to desire fellowship. There's a natural inclination to the family bond. Though my father is such a harsh and cold man, I strive to earn his approval; I strive to prove to him that I am worth loving. It hurts every single time.

I love Romans 8:15-16, "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.  And by him we cry, “Abba, Father!" The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children." There's a contrast here; the spirit of bondage and fear, and the Spirit of sonship that makes us God's children. To be a child of God is to be rid of fear and bondage. The Bible says that God is perfect, and that God is love. "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love." (1 John 4:18)

"See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and that is what we are!" --1 John 3:1 My heavenly Father is different from my earthly father. He is not a bigger version of my dad; that would be very bad for me. He is the perfect version of my dad, full of love and grace. He loves and cares for me. How incredible is He, that He would welcome me into His arms!!

I found a journal of mine today from early 2011. I was 13 at the time, and a lot of the entries surprised me with their level of immaturity. One entry that I read made me cry, though.
It began by telling about the day, which had started off okay and then hadn't gone well. This is the part that hit me:
"Then I went into the bathroom to wash my face. And I almost started crying again. The face staring back at me in the mirror was swollen and red, the eyes rimmed with black. THIS is the person God has great plans for?!? This crying, bloated face is the one everyone says is always smiling and beautiful?!

This wretched, ugly person could not be one of God's children."
I was certainly convinced of this at the time. God is perfect, spotless, and holy, right? He couldn't have me around, making Him look bad. The pretty, popular girls at school had taught me that lesson: don't try to mingle with those greater than you.
Looking back, my heart aches for that lonely, down-trodden girl. I know now that because of Jesus, my ugliness has been removed, to be replaced by His righteousness. I can stand with God, and He can call me His own, because He doesn't see me anymore. He sees Himself in me.
Yes, God has plans for the one with the red face soaked in tears. He has plans for the one with scars crossing the body. He has plans for the wretched one. He delights in taking what is broken and putting it back together, then putting it on display: "THIS is who I have made, and I am well pleased."
You can choose to follow your plans or to follow God's plans. One will leave you broken and hopeless; the other leads to restoration and life. Which will you choose?